I feel a shift occurring in me- there's change on the winds. A few years ago, I spent a year living on La Palma, a small island in the Canaries, where I spent most of my time hanging out with creative, spiritual, fun, special people, kindred spirits, who had left the rat race in search of a simpler, more fulfilled life. Each of us were and are on a journey to find a deeper meaning to our existence and at that moment in time we were journeying together. What I remember most about La Palma is the freedom I felt- I worked in a high school but outside of work, I spent hours wandering and exploring, making art and being creative using any materials I could find, meditating, laughing, dancing and loving life. The decision to come back to the UK to complete my degree was hard, to say the least. I didn't want to leave my little island, the friends I'd made and the peace I'd found but I did and in the years since I've noticed me change again becoming more anxious, self-conscious, materialistic and overly concerned with "keeping up with the Jones."
I am a hoarder, now more than ever, but I do not believe that this habit serves to help me. Having so much junk hinders me in ways I can only see now. I can't enjoy what I have as there is too much stuff- magazines, clothes, books, makeup and personal care products- most of which I buy in a frenzied attempt to "fix" some inadequacy highlighted by a book, the TV, a blog I've read, Pinterest, society in general.... We are taught that we are not good enough, not beautiful, we need more stuff, better clothes, more, more, more.... and we are taught we need to do more, to work more, be more social, have "perfect" bodies, sex, relationships, houses.... And no matter what we do there is always the "Fear"- the Fear that we really aren't good enough, that someone will find our hidden shame and invented shortcomings, the guilt that we have for merely being human, being ourselves, occupying space and of course, the Fear that what we have will run out, that there isn't enough to go around, especially these days with everyone talking about economic recession and doom. I have all of those fears and feelings and coupled with a love of frugality and getting things for free means that no matter what you offer me, if it's free, I'll have it and hoard it.
And now I can sense a change in my perception of the world, of what I need, my wants, desires and dreams and whether what I own or spend my money and time on actually serves to enrich my life and to be honest, most of what I own is useless, stuff I haven't touched in over a year, that I'm keeping for that "just-in-case" moment, for craft projects I'm unlikely to ever have time to complete. I enjoy wearing makeup on occasion but I am starting to educate myself on the dangers of certain chemicals in cosmetics (more information to come in another blog post), on using greener cleaning methods, home cooking and healthy living and generally finding out what is important to me in my life. These mostly centre around my relationships- with my boyfriend, my friends and my family and being creative and helping people.
So I am consciously making a change- to get rid of the clutter and to slow down. Because life shouldn't be like a treadmill that we run from birth, to school, to university, to work, to death.... Life is for living and it's up to us to determine how.
Love
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